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Tool 36 · Develop yourself

Which rooms am I genuinely part of?

A guided 18 to 22 minutes conversation, here in TAIU. This is not a decision about where to live. It is about where you are most yourself, and where you are most invested. Those are often two different places.

A British Asian man in his late twenties seen from behind, standing apart from a group in a covered Cardiff market

Where would somebody notice if you stopped turning up?

That is belonging. Being welcome is something else entirely. It is easier to come by.

The place you are most comfortable is often the place you are least yourself.

What you'll look at

  1. 01Occasions
  2. 02Where your effort goes
  3. 03What you contribute
  4. 04What changed

A note from Mark

Mark Eve, founder of TAIU

People confuse belonging with comfort constantly. The place where everything is familiar and nothing is required of you is not necessarily the place you belong. Quite often it is the place you are least yourself, because everybody there knows a version of you from twenty years ago.

The better test is where you would be missed. Not where you are welcome, which is easy. Where somebody would notice you had stopped coming.

There is also the question of contribution. Almost nobody belongs anywhere they give nothing to. It is why moving to somewhere beautiful and knowing nobody feels so strange. It is also why the remedy is not a better place. The remedy is something to do in the place you are already in.

Read my full view ↓

And it can be several places at once. Belonging is not a single flag. People who have moved between countries or classes or industries usually belong partially in a few places, and that is a real answer rather than a failure.

What you'll get

This will not sort you into a personality type.It will give you answers about your own life that you can test.

  1. 01

    Most yourself

  2. 02

    Most invested

  3. 03

    Familiarity or belonging

  4. 04

    What changed

  5. +

    Your TAIU handover: a summary of what the conversation found, written so you can take it with you.

See everything included ↓
  • 01What you came here with
  • 02Where you are most yourself
  • 03Where you are most invested
  • 04What you have been calling belonging
  • 05Where you belong now
  • 06What you contribute there
  • 07What has changed
  • 08The rival reading
  • 09What deserves protecting
  • 10The credible alternative
  • 11What this is not asking you to do
  • 12What remains unresolved
  • 13Where this goes next

When you finish

Bring it back to your tree.

Your tree is where TAIU keeps a picture of your whole life, in parts like work, money and health.

At the end, the conversation asks how Family and belonging feels for you right now, in your own words. It also asks what, if anything, would feel different. Nothing changes on your tree unless you say it changes.

The conversation writes this summary for you. Keep the sheet, print it or paste it into My Tree. Nothing from the conversation is stored by TAIU.

  • Session
  • Date
  • The part of life this belongs to
  • How you described it
  • What would feel different
  • What we found
  • The alternative we tested
  • What deserves protecting
  • What should change, if anything
  • Next actions
  • What to notice or find out
  • What remains unresolved
Open My Tree

What now?

  1. 01 · Save it

    Where you are most yourself, backed by evidence.

  2. 02 · Test it

    Go back to the place you feel most yourself. Notice what you do there.

See more ↓

What I would do

  1. 01

    Ask for an occasion rather than a feeling. Belonging shows up in behaviour.

  2. 02

    Separate comfortable from yourself. They are not the same and comfort is often the enemy.

  3. 03

    Notice contribution. People belong where they give something.

  4. 04

    Allow the answer to be several places, partially.

  5. 05

    Test nostalgia. Most missed places have moved on.

Test it

  1. 01

    Where do you speak without editing?

  2. 02

    Where would people notice if you stopped turning up?

  3. 03

    Is the place you miss still there, or is it a version of you that is missing?

The alternative

The expected conclusion is that you do not belong anywhere. Usually that is not what the evidence says. You may belong across several places and communities, partially in each, which feels like belonging nowhere but is not the same thing. The discomfort may not be I do not belong here but the place I belonged to no longer fits who I have become, which is a statement about growth rather than loss. And sometimes what is missing is not a place at all, but contribution: people belong where they give something, and somebody who has stopped giving anything anywhere will feel this exactly as displacement.

Think about this

  • The last time you were somewhere and did not edit yourself.
  • Where your time and effort actually go.
  • What you contribute where you feel you belong.
  • Whether the place you miss still exists.
  • Whether you have changed more than it has.

Take this to Ask Mark

You have done the exercise. Now look again at what it found.

This looks at what you found and helps you understand it. It is not another exercise to repeat.

Take this to Ask Mark →

Go a little further

READ · RESEARCH

Defining Place Attachment

Leila Scannell and Robert Gifford

A clear framework for the attachment people feel to places, useful when belonging is geographic rather than social.

Read more ↗
Was this useful?

READ · RESEARCH

Sense of Belonging: A Vital Mental Health Concept

Bonnie Hagerty

Hagerty defines belonging as fit plus valued involvement, which gives you two separate things to test rather than a feeling to chase.

Read more ↗
Was this useful?

READ · RESEARCH

Social Identity Theory

Henri Tajfel and John Turner

Tajfel and Turner on how groups form identity, including the uncomfortable part about who gets left outside it.

Read more ↗
Was this useful?

Recommended by the TAIU community

What helped you?

If you've read, watched, listened to or tried something that helped you think about this differently, we'd like to hear about it.

We review recommendations before sharing them with the community.

Finished the exercise?

What did this uncover?

Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.

A woman in her late twenties clearing cups at the end of a coffee morning in a rural Scottish village hall

Next tool

Who is actually in my life

If belonging turned out to be about people

Continue →Rebuilding a circle →

Further thinking

  • Sense of Belonging: A Vital Mental Health Concept

    Bonnie Hagerty

  • Social Identity Theory

    Henri Tajfel and John Turner

  • Defining Place Attachment

    Leila Scannell and Robert Gifford

See the thinking ↓

Article

Sense of Belonging: A Vital Mental Health Concept

Bonnie Hagerty

Hagerty defines belonging as fit plus valued involvement, which gives you two separate things to test rather than a feeling to chase.

Article

Social Identity Theory

Henri Tajfel and John Turner

Tajfel and Turner on how groups form identity, including the uncomfortable part about who gets left outside it.

Article

Defining Place Attachment

Leila Scannell and Robert Gifford

A clear framework for the attachment people feel to places, useful when belonging is geographic rather than social.

Book

Bowling Alone

Robert Putnam

Putnam's account of the decline of associational life is contested and largely American, and it still changes how you count your own contribution. Membership, attendance and turning up repeatedly for something small are treated here as real civic goods rather than as lesser versions of writing a cheque.