Book
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman
Relevant when the exercise identifies a partner relationship as an area you want to work on.
Tool 31 · Develop yourself
How does the person closest to me experience me?
The lens is on you, not on them. This exercise makes no judgement about your relationship and gives no verdict on whether it should continue.
A guided 18 to 22 minute conversation using ChatGPT. Free, no account, nothing to sign up to.
01
Copy
Take the TAIU prompt.
02
Paste
Open ChatGPT.
03
Talk
One question at a time.
Copies the TAIU prompt. Paste it into ChatGPT.
You don't need ChatGPT Plus. The free version is fine.
What would they say about last month?
Not the argument version. The fair one. Most people cannot answer it, and the difficulty is the finding.
Being badly treated and being a difficult partner are not mutually exclusive.
What you'll explore
- 01One ordinary month
- 02Things you actually did
- 03How you handle disagreement
- 04What you think they would say
A note from Mark
Everybody arrives at this one ready to talk about the other person. That is not a criticism, it is just how it goes, and about half the time what they say about the other person is entirely fair. It still does not help them, because it is not the part they can do anything about.
So I would take one month. Not the relationship, not the story of the relationship. One month, and what you actually did in it. Who noticed things. Who apologised. Who did the boring administration of two lives.
Read my full view ↓
Then I would ask what they could fairly say about that same month. Not what they said the last time it got heated. The fair version. Most people find that harder than any other question in the exercise, and it is usually where the useful material is.
And I would look as carefully at the person doing too much as at the person doing too little. Over-giving followed by resentment does more quiet damage than most of the things people apologise for.
What you'll get
You won't finish with a personality type.You'll leave with answers you can actually test.
01
Belief against evidence
02
Their fair account
03
What deserves protecting
04
One change
+
Your TAIU handover — a portable summary of everything the conversation established.
See everything included ↓
- 01What you came here with
- 02The partner you believe you are
- 03What the last month shows
- 04Where the two agree
- 05Where they diverge
- 06What they might reasonably say
- 07What you are actually giving
- 08What it costs you
- 09The rival reading
- 10What deserves protecting
- 11The credible alternative
- 12What, if anything, should change
- 13The one change
- 14What remains unresolved
- 15Where this goes next
What now?
01 · Save it
The partner you believe you are, in your own words.
02 · Test it
Change something they would notice without being told what to look for.
Explore this further ↓
What I would do
- 01
Work from one month rather than from the whole relationship. Memory flatters the long view.
- 02
Ask what the other person could fairly say, not what they said when angry.
- 03
Look at over-investment as hard as neglect. Doing everything and resenting it is its own failure.
- 04
Protect what is genuinely working. Most people are better in some parts than they think.
- 05
One change, in your own conduct, visible inside a fortnight.
Test it
- 01
Could you name three specific things you did for them last month? If not, that is the finding.
- 02
Ask whether your version of the last argument would be recognisable to them.
- 03
Check that the change you chose does not depend on anybody else agreeing to it.
The alternative
The expected conclusion is that you are giving less than you should. Sometimes the evidence says the reverse. Plenty of people are over-invested rather than absent: doing everything, taking on the emotional logistics of two people, and then resenting the cost quietly. Sometimes what looks like withdrawal is exhaustion from somewhere else entirely and has nothing to do with the relationship. Sometimes conflict avoidance is not kindness but a way of never letting a repair happen. And sometimes the record shows you are broadly the partner you believe yourself to be, and the honest finding is that nothing needs to change.
Think about this
- What you actually did in the last month, including the dull parts.
- The last disagreement, and what you did when it ended.
- What you notice about them, and when you last said so.
- What you are carrying that they do not know about.
- The account they could fairly give of the same month.
Take this to Ask Mark
You've done the exercise. Now challenge what came back.
Interpretation, not another copy-and-paste exercise.
Take this to Ask Mark →Finished the exercise?
What did this uncover?
Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.
Next tool
How am I showing up?
If the same conduct appears everywhere
Further thinking
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman
Perceived Partner Responsiveness
Harry Reis
The All-or-Nothing Marriage
Eli Finkel
Explore the thinking ↓
Article
Perceived Partner Responsiveness
Harry Reis
Reis argues that closeness rests on whether somebody feels understood, valued and cared for by the way you respond to them. It gives you a behavioural test for a quality usually described in feelings.
Book
The All-or-Nothing Marriage
Eli Finkel
Finkel shows how much modern couples ask of one partner, and why relationships can feel like failures when they are simply carrying more than any single relationship once had to.
Article
Self-Expansion in Close Relationships
Arthur Aron
Aron's work explains why relationships often flatten when the two people stop growing rather than when they stop caring. A useful alternative reading when things feel dull rather than wrong.