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Tool 32 · Develop yourself
What is actually wrong? Is it mine to fix?
A guided 20 to 26 minutes conversation, here in TAIU. This exercise reaches no verdict. It will not tell you to stay. It will not tell you to leave. It shows you what you are looking at.
What did you agree to? Does that agreement still exist?
Most relationships are not broken. They are running on terms neither person has looked at for years.
Love is not evidence that a relationship works. Conflict is not evidence that it does not.
What you'll look at
- 01Your own definition
- 02Occasions
- 03What changed, and when
- 04What each of you gives up
A note from Mark
People come to this question with the decision already in the doorway. The decision is usually the least useful part of it. What is worth knowing first is what you think a working relationship is. Not in general. Yours.
Once that is written down, most of the confusion sorts itself into two piles. Things that are not happening and matter enormously to you. Things that are not happening and turn out to belong to somebody else's idea of a relationship.
The other distinction I would hold onto is between a difficult period and a structural problem, because from the inside they feel exactly the same. A year of illness, small children or a job that eats somebody alive will produce every symptom of a failing relationship and none of the cause.
Read my full view ↓
This exercise does not tell you what to do. Anyone who offers you a verdict on a relationship they have never seen is selling something.
What you'll get
This will not sort you into a personality type.It will give you answers about your own life that you can test.
01
Your definition of working
02
Evidence against it
03
Period or structure
04
What is unknowable alone
+
Your TAIU handover: a summary of what the conversation found, written so you can take it with you.
See everything included ↓
- 01What you came here with
- 02What working means to you
- 03What is demonstrably working
- 04What is not
- 05Difficult period or structural problem
- 06What each of you is being asked to give up
- 07What has changed
- 08The rival reading
- 09What deserves protecting
- 10The credible alternative
- 11What this exercise cannot tell you
- 12What remains unresolved
- 13What would make this clearer
When you finish
Bring it back to your tree.
Your tree is where TAIU keeps a picture of your whole life, in parts like work, money and health.
At the end, the conversation asks how Love feels for you right now, in your own words. It also asks what, if anything, would feel different. Nothing changes on your tree unless you say it changes.
The conversation writes this summary for you. Keep the sheet, print it or paste it into My Tree. Nothing from the conversation is stored by TAIU.
- Session
- Date
- The part of life this belongs to
- How you described it
- What would feel different
- What we found
- The alternative we tested
- What deserves protecting
- What should change, if anything
- Next actions
- What to notice or find out
- What remains unresolved
What now?
01 · Save it
Your own definition of a working relationship.
02 · Test it
Write your definition of working down before you assess anything against it.
See more ↓
What I would do
- 01
Define working first. Everything after that is measured against your definition, not a general one.
- 02
Separate a hard period from a structural problem. They feel identical from inside.
- 03
Distinguish incompatibility from an argument you have never finished.
- 04
Notice whether the agreement changed rather than the person.
- 05
Accept that some of it is not knowable alone, and name which parts.
Test it
- 01
Could you describe what is good without sounding like you are defending the relationship?
- 02
Would the other person recognise your account of the last disagreement?
- 03
Which of your conclusions actually requires them in the room?
The alternative
The expected conclusion is that the relationship is broken or that it is fine. Often it is neither. The agreement you thought you had may simply no longer exist: one of you took a job, had a child, got ill or turned fifty, and nobody renegotiated anything out loud. Sometimes the question is not whether you love them but whether this version of the relationship is sustainable, which is a different question with different answers. Sometimes what looks like incompatibility is one argument that has never once been finished. And sometimes a quiet stretch is a quiet stretch.
Think about this
- What working actually means to you, before you judge anything.
- The last month, not the last argument.
- What each of you is being asked to give up.
- What changed, and roughly when.
- What is still good, described precisely rather than defensively.
Take this to Ask Mark
You have done the exercise. Now look again at what it found.
This looks at what you found and helps you understand it. It is not another exercise to repeat.
Take this to Ask Mark →Go a little further
READ · BOOK
The All-or-Nothing Marriage
Eli Finkel
Finkel shows how much modern couples ask of one partner, and why relationships can feel like failures when they are simply carrying more than any single relationship once had to.
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READ · RESEARCH
Sliding Versus Deciding
Scott Stanley
Stanley's distinction between drifting into commitments and choosing them is uncomfortable and clarifying. Many relationship problems turn out to be unmade decisions.
Read more ↗
Was this useful?
Recommended by the TAIU community
What helped you?
If you've read, watched, listened to or tried something that helped you think about this differently, we'd like to hear about it.
We review recommendations before sharing them with the community.
Finished the exercise?
What did this uncover?
Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.
Next tool
What kind of partner am I
If the useful lens turns out to be your own conduct
Before you start
Reading, if you would rather understand the question first.
Further thinking
The Investment Model of Commitment
Caryl Rusbult
The Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model
Benjamin Karney and Thomas Bradbury
Sliding Versus Deciding
Scott Stanley
See the thinking ↓
Article
The Investment Model of Commitment
Caryl Rusbult
Rusbult separates satisfaction, alternatives and investment, which is why people stay in relationships they are unhappy with and leave ones they are not. Three questions instead of one verdict.
Article
The Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model
Benjamin Karney and Thomas Bradbury
Karney and Bradbury show that external stress explains a great deal of what couples experience as incompatibility. Worth reading before concluding the relationship is the problem.
Article
Sliding Versus Deciding
Scott Stanley
Stanley's distinction between drifting into commitments and choosing them is uncomfortable and clarifying. Many relationship problems turn out to be unmade decisions.
Book
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman
Relevant when the exercise identifies a partner relationship as an area you want to work on.