TAIU

Tool 32 · Develop yourself

What is actually wrong, and is it mine to fix?

This exercise reaches no verdict. It will not tell you to stay and it will not tell you to leave. It shows you what you are looking at.

A couple in their forties sitting slightly apart on a bench on a Welsh seafront promenade in autumn, both looking at the water

A guided 20 to 26 minute conversation using ChatGPT. Free, no account, nothing to sign up to.

  1. 01

    Copy

    Take the TAIU prompt.

  2. 02

    Paste

    Open ChatGPT.

  3. 03

    Talk

    One question at a time.

Copies the TAIU prompt. Paste it into ChatGPT.

You don't need ChatGPT Plus. The free version is fine.

What did you agree to, and does that agreement still exist?

Most relationships are not broken. They are running on terms neither person has looked at for years.

Love is not evidence that a relationship works. Conflict is not evidence that it does not.

What you'll explore

  1. 01Your own definition
  2. 02Occasions
  3. 03What changed, and when
  4. 04What each of you gives up

A note from Mark

Mark Eve, founder of TAIU

People come to this question with the decision already in the doorway, and the decision is usually the least useful part of it. What is worth knowing first is what you think a working relationship is. Not in general. Yours.

Once that is written down, most of the confusion sorts itself into two piles. Things that are not happening and matter enormously to you. Things that are not happening and turn out to belong to somebody else's idea of a relationship.

The other distinction I would hold onto is between a difficult period and a structural problem, because from the inside they feel exactly the same. A year of illness, small children, or a job that eats somebody alive will produce every symptom of a failing relationship and none of the cause.

Read my full view ↓

This exercise does not tell you what to do. Anyone who offers you a verdict on a relationship they have never seen is selling something.

What you'll get

You won't finish with a personality type.You'll leave with answers you can actually test.

  1. 01

    Your definition of working

  2. 02

    Evidence against it

  3. 03

    Period or structure

  4. 04

    What is unknowable alone

  5. +

    Your TAIU handover — a portable summary of everything the conversation established.

See everything included ↓
  • 01What you came here with
  • 02What working means to you
  • 03What is demonstrably working
  • 04What is not
  • 05Difficult period or structural problem
  • 06What each of you is being asked to give up
  • 07What has changed
  • 08The rival reading
  • 09What deserves protecting
  • 10The credible alternative
  • 11What this exercise cannot tell you
  • 12What remains unresolved
  • 13What would make this clearer

What now?

  1. 01 · Save it

    Your own definition of a working relationship.

  2. 02 · Test it

    Write your definition of working down before you assess anything against it.

Explore this further ↓

What I would do

  1. 01

    Define working first. Everything after that is measured against your definition, not a general one.

  2. 02

    Separate a hard period from a structural problem. They feel identical from inside.

  3. 03

    Distinguish incompatibility from an argument you have never finished.

  4. 04

    Notice whether the agreement changed rather than the person.

  5. 05

    Accept that some of it is not knowable alone, and name which parts.

Test it

  1. 01

    Could you describe what is good without sounding like you are defending the relationship?

  2. 02

    Would the other person recognise your account of the last disagreement?

  3. 03

    Which of your conclusions actually requires them in the room?

The alternative

The expected conclusion is that the relationship is broken or that it is fine. Often it is neither. The agreement you thought you had may simply no longer exist: one of you took a job, had a child, got ill, or turned fifty, and nobody renegotiated anything out loud. Sometimes the question is not whether you love them but whether this version of the relationship is sustainable, which is a different question with different answers. Sometimes what looks like incompatibility is one argument that has never once been finished. And sometimes a quiet stretch is a quiet stretch.

Think about this

  • What working actually means to you, before you judge anything.
  • The last month, not the last argument.
  • What each of you is being asked to give up.
  • What changed, and roughly when.
  • What is still good, described precisely rather than defensively.

Take this to Ask Mark

You've done the exercise. Now challenge what came back.

Interpretation, not another copy-and-paste exercise.

Take this to Ask Mark →

Finished the exercise?

What did this uncover?

Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.

Two men in their late thirties in the kitchen of a Belfast terraced house on a weekday evening, one washing up and the other unpacking shopping, neither facing the camera

Next tool

What kind of partner am I

If the useful lens turns out to be your own conduct

Continue →The conversation I keep not having →

Further thinking

  • The Investment Model of Commitment

    Caryl Rusbult

  • The Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model

    Benjamin Karney and Thomas Bradbury

  • Sliding Versus Deciding

    Scott Stanley

Explore the thinking ↓

Article

The Investment Model of Commitment

Caryl Rusbult

Rusbult separates satisfaction, alternatives and investment, which is why people stay in relationships they are unhappy with and leave ones they are not. Three questions instead of one verdict.

Article

The Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model

Benjamin Karney and Thomas Bradbury

Karney and Bradbury show that external stress explains a great deal of what couples experience as incompatibility. Worth reading before concluding the relationship is the problem.

Article

Sliding Versus Deciding

Scott Stanley

Stanley's distinction between drifting into commitments and choosing them is uncomfortable and clarifying. Many relationship problems turn out to be unmade decisions.

Book

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

John Gottman

Relevant when the exercise identifies a partner relationship as an area you want to work on.