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Tool 96 · Develop yourself

What does being there for my family actually mean, and is it the version I would choose?

A guided 13 to 17 minutes conversation, here in TAIU. Being there is a phrase almost nobody has stopped to define.

GUIDES

You have named it. Now spend some time on it.

Each Guide gives you a clear way to look at one subject in your own time. Choose where to begin. You do not need to work through everything.

The real month

What being there has actually meant

Look at what being there consisted of recently, in time, money and attention.

Where this often ends up: A plain account of what you actually do for the people you meant.

It may also end with a clearer view of something, or with nothing that needs doing.

Around twenty minutes

The cost

What it costs, and who pays

Work out what this way of being there takes from you, and whether anyone else is carrying part of it.

Where this often ends up: The cost written down honestly, including the parts nobody has mentioned.

It may also end with a clearer view of something, or with nothing that needs doing.

Around thirty minutes

Asking them

What they would actually ask for

Separate what you assume your family needs from what they have said. Decide what to do about the gap.

It may also end with a clearer view of something, or with nothing that needs doing.

Around twenty minutes

This Guide is free, like everything else in The Clearing.

You can see what it covers before you begin.

Start this Guide

Providing for people and being with them are not the same act.

Being there is a rule about time, not a feeling about people.

What did last month actually consist of?

What you'll look at

  1. 01Who you mean
  2. 02What it looks like
  3. 03What it costs
  4. 04What holds

A note from Mark

Mark Eve, founder of TAIU

Being there for my family is one of those phrases that sounds like an answer. It is usually a placeholder.

Ask somebody what it consisted of last month. It comes apart quickly. Some of it is money. Some of it is worry. Very little of it, sometimes, is time in a room with the people concerned.

The mistake is deciding this means you are failing. Often what somebody is doing is exactly right. It is also expensive. The useful thing is knowing what it costs, not pretending it is free.

Read my full view ↓

The other useful thing is asking them. People are frequently doing an enormous amount that nobody asked for while missing the small thing somebody did.

What you'll get

This will not sort you into a personality type.It will give you answers about your own life that you can test.

  1. 01

    Who you mean

  2. 02

    What it means in practice

  3. 03

    What it costs

  4. 04

    What holds

  5. +

    Your TAIU handover: a summary of what the conversation found, written so you can take it with you.

See everything included ↓
  • 01Who I mean by family
  • 02What being there has meant in practice
  • 03Whose version of it I am running
  • 04What it costs
  • 05What they would say they need
  • 06What is already working
  • 07What I would change, if anything
  • 08Where this goes next

When you finish

Bring it back to your tree.

Your tree is where TAIU keeps a picture of your whole life, in parts like work, money and health.

At the end, the conversation asks how Family and belonging feels for you right now, in your own words. It also asks what, if anything, would feel different. Nothing changes on your tree unless you say it changes.

The conversation writes this summary for you. Keep the sheet, print it or paste it into My Tree. Nothing from the conversation is stored by TAIU.

  • Session
  • Date
  • The part of life this belongs to
  • How you described it
  • What would feel different
  • What we found
  • The alternative we tested
  • What deserves protecting
  • What should change, if anything
  • Next actions
  • What to notice or find out
  • What remains unresolved
Open My Tree

What now?

  1. 01 · Save it

    Who you meant.

  2. 02 · Test it

    Write in one sentence what being there means to you now. See whether it matches last month.

See more ↓

What I would do

  1. 01

    Name the people rather than the category.

  2. 02

    Describe a real month instead of a good intention.

  3. 03

    Separate what you provide from when you are present.

  4. 04

    Ask somebody what they would want more of, rather than deciding for them.

  5. 05

    Keep whatever is already working and change one thing at most.

Test it

  1. 01

    Who do you actually mean by family?

  2. 02

    What did being there consist of last month?

  3. 03

    What does it cost, and would you choose it again?

The alternative

The usual assumption is that this exercise will conclude somebody should be at home more. Often it goes the other way. Somebody looks at a real month and finds they are present far more than they had credited themselves with, and the problem was the standard they were measuring against rather than the time they were giving. It also happens that the cost lands somewhere unexpected, on a partner carrying the arrangements or on a friendship that quietly went, and naming that is more useful than adding another evening.

Think about this

  • Who you actually mean when you say family.
  • What being there consisted of last month, in real hours.
  • Where your idea of what it should look like came from.
  • What it costs you, and who else pays part of it.
  • What they have actually asked you for.

Take this to Ask Mark

You have done the exercise. Now look again at what it found.

This looks at what you found and helps you understand it. It is not another exercise to repeat.

Take this to Ask Mark →

Go a little further

TRY · 12 MIN

Care Without Disappearing

TAIU

Care that does not erase the person providing it.

Try it →
Was this useful?

Recommended by the TAIU community

What helped you?

If you've read, watched, listened to or tried something that helped you think about this differently, we'd like to hear about it.

We review recommendations before sharing them with the community.

Finished the exercise?

What did this uncover?

Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.

Next tool

What am I actually protecting?

If being there turns out to be guarding something specific

Continue →Whose definition am I using? →

Further thinking

  • Family Therapy in Clinical Practice

    Murray Bowen

  • Negotiating Family Responsibilities

    Janet Finch and Jennifer Mason

  • Why We Do What We Do

    Edward L. Deci with Richard Flaste

See the thinking ↓

Book

Family Therapy in Clinical Practice

Murray Bowen

Bowen's idea of differentiation, staying connected to your family without being governed by it, is the useful frame for most adult family questions.

Book

Negotiating Family Responsibilities

Janet Finch and Jennifer Mason

British sociology on how family obligation is negotiated in practice rather than fixed by role. It shows how quietly duties get allocated.

Book

Why We Do What We Do

Edward L. Deci with Richard Flaste

The readable account of self-determination theory, written by the man who spent forty years testing it. The finding that matters here is that rewards and approval reliably change why people do things, and that behaviour which survives without either is telling you something the rest is not. It gives you a usable test rather than a feeling.

Book

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

John Gottman

Relevant when the exercise identifies a partner relationship as an area you want to work on.

Book

Thinking, Fast and Slow

Daniel Kahneman

Why confidence and accuracy aren't the same thing.