Book
Family Therapy in Clinical Practice
Murray Bowen
Bowen's idea of differentiation, staying connected to your family without being governed by it, is the useful frame for most adult family questions.
Back to conversations
Tool 96 · Develop yourself
What does being there for my family actually mean, and is it the version I would choose?
A guided 13 to 17 minute conversation, here in TAIU. Being there is a phrase almost nobody has stopped to define.
Providing for people and being with them are not the same act.
Being there is a rule about time, not a feeling about people.
What did last month actually consist of?
What you'll explore
- 01Who you mean
- 02What it looks like
- 03What it costs
- 04What holds
A note from Mark
Being there for my family is one of those phrases that sounds like an answer. It is usually a placeholder.
Ask somebody what it consisted of last month and it comes apart quickly. Some of it is money. Some of it is worry. Very little of it, sometimes, is time in a room with the people concerned.
The mistake is deciding this means you are failing. Often what somebody is doing is exactly right and expensive, and the useful thing is knowing what it costs rather than pretending it is free.
Read my full view ↓
The other useful thing is asking them. People are frequently doing an enormous amount that nobody asked for while missing the small thing somebody did.
What you'll get
You won't finish with a personality type.You'll leave with answers you can actually test.
01
Who you mean
02
What it means in practice
03
What it costs
04
What holds
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Your TAIU handover, a portable summary of everything the conversation established.
See everything included ↓
- 01Who I mean by family
- 02What being there has meant in practice
- 03Whose version of it I am running
- 04What it costs
- 05What they would say they need
- 06What is already working
- 07What I would change, if anything
- 08Where this goes next
When you finish
Bring it back to your tree.
At the end, the conversation asks you how Family and belonging is at the moment, in your own words and what, if anything, would feel different. Nothing changes on your tree unless you say it changes.
The conversation writes this for you. Keep the sheet, print it or paste it into My Tree. Nothing from the conversation is stored by TAIU.
- Session
- Date
- The part of life this belongs to
- How you described it
- What would feel different
- What we found
- The alternative we tested
- What deserves protecting
- What should change, if anything
- Next actions
- What to notice or find out
- What remains unresolved
What now?
01 · Save it
Who you meant.
02 · Test it
Write in one sentence what being there means to you now, and see whether it matches last month.
Explore this further ↓
What I would do
- 01
Name the people rather than the category.
- 02
Describe a real month instead of a good intention.
- 03
Separate what you provide from when you are present.
- 04
Ask somebody what they would want more of, rather than deciding for them.
- 05
Keep whatever is already working and change one thing at most.
Test it
- 01
Who do you actually mean by family?
- 02
What did being there consist of last month?
- 03
What does it cost, and would you choose it again?
The alternative
The usual assumption is that this exercise will conclude somebody should be at home more. Often it goes the other way. Somebody looks at a real month and finds they are present far more than they had credited themselves with, and the problem was the standard they were measuring against rather than the time they were giving. It also happens that the cost lands somewhere unexpected, on a partner carrying the arrangements or on a friendship that quietly went, and naming that is more useful than adding another evening.
Think about this
- Who you actually mean when you say family.
- What being there consisted of last month, in real hours.
- Where your idea of what it should look like came from.
- What it costs you, and who else pays part of it.
- What they have actually asked you for.
Take this to Ask Mark
You've done the exercise. Now challenge what came back.
Interpretation, not another copy-and-paste exercise.
Take this to Ask Mark →Recommended by the TAIU community
What helped you?
If you've read, watched, listened to or tried something that helped you think about this differently, we'd like to hear about it.
We review recommendations before sharing them with the community.
Finished the exercise?
What did this uncover?
Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.
Next tool
What am I actually protecting?
If being there turns out to be guarding something specific
Further thinking
Family Therapy in Clinical Practice
Murray Bowen
Negotiating Family Responsibilities
Janet Finch and Jennifer Mason
Why We Do What We Do
Edward L. Deci with Richard Flaste
Explore the thinking ↓
Book
Negotiating Family Responsibilities
Janet Finch and Jennifer Mason
British sociology on how family obligation is negotiated in practice rather than fixed by role. It shows how quietly duties get allocated.
Book
Why We Do What We Do
Edward L. Deci with Richard Flaste
The readable account of self-determination theory, written by the man who spent forty years testing it. The finding that matters here is that rewards and approval reliably change why people do things, and that behaviour which survives without either is telling you something the rest is not. It gives you a usable test rather than a feeling.
Book
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman
Relevant when the exercise identifies a partner relationship as an area you want to work on.
Book
Thinking, Fast and Slow
Daniel Kahneman
Why confidence and accuracy aren't the same thing.