Talk
How to Make Hard Choices
Ruth Chang
Some choices are difficult because there isn't an objectively correct answer. Chang asks us to consider something different: who do I want to become?
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Tool 95 · Develop yourself
Whose definition of this am I working to, and would I write the same one now?
A guided 13 to 17 minute conversation, here in TAIU. One word, examined closely, tells you more than a whole values list.
The word can stay the same while its job changes underneath it.
A definition is a working rule, not a virtue.
What would a stranger conclude from what you do?
What you'll explore
- 01The word
- 02The working definition
- 03The origin
- 04The verdict
A note from Mark
People argue about whether they want more security or more freedom without ever checking that they mean the same thing by the word.
I find it more useful to ask what a stranger would conclude about your definition from watching a month of your life. Not what you'd say. What you'd do.
Sometimes that definition is doing exactly the job you want it to do, and the exercise is just confirming that. That's a real result.
Sometimes it's still running a version written years ago for a different life. Either way, it's worth knowing which one you've got.
What you'll get
You won't finish with a personality type.You'll leave with answers you can actually test.
01
The working definition
02
The origin
03
What it decides
04
The verdict
+
Your TAIU handover, a portable summary of everything the conversation established.
See everything included ↓
- 01The word
- 02My working definition
- 03Where it came from
- 04What it has been quietly deciding
- 05Would I write the same one now
- 06What deserves protecting
- 07The rewrite, if there is one
- 08Where this goes next
When you finish
Bring it back to your tree.
This session works on you rather than one part of your life, so nothing is rated. At the end you are asked, once, which part of your life it touched most. You can answer none.
The conversation writes this for you. Keep the sheet, print it or paste it into My Tree. Nothing from the conversation is stored by TAIU.
- Session
- Date
- The part of life this belongs to
- What we found
- The alternative we tested
- What deserves protecting
- What should change, if anything
- Next actions
- What to notice or find out
- What remains unresolved
What now?
01 · Save it
The word you chose.
02 · Test it
Write your working definition of the word in one sentence and keep it somewhere you will see it.
Explore this further ↓
What I would do
- 01
Choose one word rather than a list.
- 02
Describe what a stranger would conclude from watching what you do, not from what you say.
- 03
Name the origin only where you can actually see it.
- 04
Say plainly whether the definition still holds.
- 05
Leave the rewrite alone unless one genuinely arrives.
Test it
- 01
What does this word actually mean when you use it, based on what you do?
- 02
Where did that definition come from?
- 03
Would you write the same one today?
The alternative
The usual assumption is that examining a word like this is the first step towards changing it. Often the person looks closely and finds the definition still fits the life they are living, in which case the useful outcome is simply knowing what they meant all along. The reverse also happens. Someone discovers they have been running an old definition of success or family that belonged to a much earlier version of their life, and the word itself was never wrong, only its instructions had gone out of date.
Think about this
- Which word matters most to look at today.
- What you actually do when that word is in play, not what you would say about yourself.
- Where that definition came from, if it is visible.
- What it has been quietly deciding for you.
- Whether you would write the same one starting from nothing.
Take this to Ask Mark
You've done the exercise. Now challenge what came back.
Interpretation, not another copy-and-paste exercise.
Take this to Ask Mark →Recommended by the TAIU community
What helped you?
If you've read, watched, listened to or tried something that helped you think about this differently, we'd like to hear about it.
We review recommendations before sharing them with the community.
Finished the exercise?
What did this uncover?
Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.
Next tool
What arrived before I had a say?
If you want the wider picture behind this word
Further thinking
How to Make Hard Choices
Ruth Chang
A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance
Leon Festinger
The Righteous Mind
Jonathan Haidt
Explore the thinking ↓
Article
A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance
Leon Festinger
The finding that matters here is not that people feel uncomfortable when belief and behaviour diverge. It is what they do about it. Adjusting the belief is far cheaper than adjusting the conduct, and it happens without anybody noticing. If you have quietly stopped believing something you used to act on, this explains the mechanism.
Book
The Righteous Mind
Jonathan Haidt
Haidt argues that moral judgement arrives first and the reasoning follows, assembled afterwards to defend a position already taken. That is uncomfortable reading if you believe you arrived at your worldview by thinking it through. It is also the single most useful corrective when you sit down to describe what you actually believe, because it makes you look for the origin of a conviction rather than only for the argument supporting it.
Book
Family Therapy in Clinical Practice
Murray Bowen
Bowen's idea of differentiation, staying connected to your family without being governed by it, is the useful frame for most adult family questions.
Book
Why We Do What We Do
Edward L. Deci with Richard Flaste
The readable account of self-determination theory, written by the man who spent forty years testing it. The finding that matters here is that rewards and approval reliably change why people do things, and that behaviour which survives without either is telling you something the rest is not. It gives you a usable test rather than a feeling.