TAIU

Tool 39 · Develop yourself

What am I actually transmitting?

This exercise has no view about the right way to raise a child. It works with the parent you are trying to be and the record of what you did.

A father in his thirties who uses a wheelchair waiting at a school gate in a small Scottish town at pick-up time

A guided 18 to 22 minute conversation using ChatGPT. Free, no account, nothing to sign up to.

  1. 01

    Copy

    Take the TAIU prompt.

  2. 02

    Paste

    Open ChatGPT.

  3. 03

    Talk

    One question at a time.

Copies the TAIU prompt. Paste it into ChatGPT.

You don't need ChatGPT Plus. The free version is fine.

Are you giving them what you needed, or what they are asking for?

The parent you required is not automatically the parent this child requires.

What you do after you get it wrong teaches more than getting it right.

What you'll explore

  1. 01What it should be like
  2. 02One ordinary month
  3. 03The difficult moments
  4. 04What you are repeating

A note from Mark

Mark Eve, founder of TAIU

Nearly every parent I have talked to about this is answering their own childhood in some way. Either supplying what was missing or avoiding what was there. It is understandable and it is not the same as looking at the child in front of you, who may want something else entirely.

The other thing I would look at is repair. Everybody loses their temper, everybody gets it wrong. What children actually take away is what happens next: whether anybody comes back, whether anybody says it plainly, whether it is quietly never mentioned again.

Read my full view ↓

I would also watch protection. It is the most loving instinct there is and it can quietly remove every difficulty a child needs in order to become capable of anything.

And I would resist the guilt. Most parents are doing four or five things consistently well and cannot name one of them.

What you'll get

You won't finish with a personality type.You'll leave with answers you can actually test.

  1. 01

    Intention

  2. 02

    Evidence

  3. 03

    What you are repeating

  4. 04

    What to protect

  5. +

    Your TAIU handover — a portable summary of everything the conversation established.

See everything included ↓
  • 01What you came here with
  • 02What you want them to experience from you
  • 03What the last month shows
  • 04Where intention and evidence agree
  • 05Where they diverge
  • 06What you are passing on deliberately
  • 07Whose childhood you are answering
  • 08The rival reading
  • 09What deserves protecting
  • 10The credible alternative
  • 11What, if anything, should change
  • 12What remains unresolved
  • 13Where this goes next

What now?

  1. 01 · Save it

    What you want them to experience from you.

  2. 02 · Test it

    Say the thing you assume they already know.

Explore this further ↓

What I would do

  1. 01

    Start with what it should be like to be them, not with values.

  2. 02

    Use one ordinary month. Holidays prove nothing.

  3. 03

    Look at repair. What you do after getting it wrong teaches more than getting it right.

  4. 04

    Check whether you are parenting your own childhood rather than your child.

  5. 05

    Protect what is working. Most parents cannot see any of it.

Test it

  1. 01

    Could you name three specific things you did with them last month?

  2. 02

    What do you do after you get it wrong?

  3. 03

    Are you giving them what you needed, or what they are asking for?

The alternative

The expected conclusion is that you should be doing more. Two alternatives are usually stronger. The first is that you are supplying the parent you needed rather than the parent this child needs: somebody who grew up without warmth may pour warmth into a child who is quietly asking for structure. The second is that protection has begun to cost independence, and that the difficulty you keep removing is the difficulty they need. And often the honest finding is that the evidence supports your account of yourself, and the guilt is inherited rather than earned.

Think about this

  • What you want it to be like to be your child.
  • Who you were at the last difficult moment.
  • What happened after you got something wrong.
  • What you are repeating from your own childhood, and what you are avoiding.
  • What they would say you are like, at their age and in their words.

Take this to Ask Mark

You've done the exercise. Now challenge what came back.

Interpretation, not another copy-and-paste exercise.

Take this to Ask Mark →

Finished the exercise?

What did this uncover?

Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.

A man in his forties at a barbecue in an English suburban back garden, turned away toward relatives at a folding table

Next tool

Family patterns

If what you are avoiding is older than you are

Continue →What does my family need from me →

Further thinking

  • Patterns of Parental Authority

    Diana Baumrind

  • The Development of the Person

    Alan Sroufe

  • The Nurture Assumption

    Judith Rich Harris

Explore the thinking ↓

Article

Patterns of Parental Authority

Diana Baumrind

The original work behind authoritative, authoritarian and permissive parenting. Worth reading properly rather than in summary.

Book

The Development of the Person

Alan Sroufe

Thirty years of following the same children. It is sober about how much early parenting predicts and how much it does not.

Book

The Nurture Assumption

Judith Rich Harris

Harris argues that peers shape children more than parents do. Whether or not she is right, it is the strongest challenge to how most parents think about their influence.

Book

How to Raise an Adult

Julie Lythcott-Haims

A former Stanford dean on what over-involvement costs children later. Useful for parents whose intentions are good and whose habits are heavy.