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Ripple Map
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The people who are actually better off because of how you live.
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Tool 59 · Develop your mission
Where does my money go beyond me and mine?
A guided 18 to 22 minutes conversation, here in TAIU. This exercise has no view about how much you should give. It looks at what you actually give and what happens as a result.
Who have you never said no to?
And what happens in you when you consider it? That answer usually explains the giving better than any account of your values.
Well meant help sometimes maintains a situation rather than changing it.
What you'll look at
- 01What you give
- 02Who receives it
- 03What happened next
- 04What it costs
A note from Mark
I would take money out of it first. Most people give far more in access, introductions, attention and unpaid work than they ever give in cash. None of it appears in their own accounting.
Then I would ask what happened afterwards. Not what it felt like. What changed. Generosity is not judged by the intention behind it. A great deal of well meant help maintains a situation rather than moving it, and that is worth knowing without anybody being blamed for it.
The refusals tell you more than the gifts. Who do you never say no to? What happens in you when you try? That is where the motive lives. It is far more reliable than asking somebody directly why they give.
Read my full view ↓
And I would allow no to be a legitimate answer. Saying no is sometimes the most useful thing you can do for somebody, and almost everybody who gives a lot has one relationship where it is overdue.
What you'll get
This will not sort you into a personality type.It will give you answers about your own life that you can test.
01
What is really given
02
The observable effect
03
The real cost
04
Whether no is available
+
Your TAIU handover: a summary of what the conversation found, written so you can take it with you.
See everything included ↓
- 01What you came here with
- 02What you actually give
- 03To whom, and whether it was asked for
- 04What it appears to produce
- 05Where it creates dependence
- 06What it costs you
- 07Whether it is sustainable
- 08What the evidence suggests about why
- 09The rival reading
- 10What deserves protecting
- 11What remains unresolved
- 12Where this goes next
When you finish
Bring it back to your tree.
Your tree is where TAIU keeps a picture of your whole life, in parts like work, money and health.
At the end, the conversation asks how Money feels for you right now, in your own words. It also asks what, if anything, would feel different. Nothing changes on your tree unless you say it changes.
The conversation writes this summary for you. Keep the sheet, print it or paste it into My Tree. Nothing from the conversation is stored by TAIU.
- Session
- Date
- The part of life this belongs to
- How you described it
- What would feel different
- What we found
- The alternative we tested
- What deserves protecting
- What should change, if anything
- Next actions
- What to notice or find out
- What remains unresolved
What now?
01 · Save it
What you actually give, in all its forms.
02 · Test it
Say no once, to somebody you always say yes to. See what actually happens.
See more ↓
What I would do
- 01
List the forms, not just the amounts. Access and attention are given more often than money.
- 02
Look at what actually happened afterwards.
- 03
Notice who you never refuse, and ask yourself why.
- 04
Count the cost honestly, including the resentment.
- 05
Be willing to conclude that giving less is the responsible answer.
Test it
- 01
What do you give that is not money?
- 02
Who have you never refused?
- 03
What happened after the last time?
The alternative
The expected reading is either that you should give more or that you are being taken advantage of. Two alternatives usually produce more. Saying no may be the more responsible act, particularly where the giving is maintaining a situation rather than changing it, and that is a finding rather than a criticism. Or the reverse: you may have considerably more capacity to contribute than you recognise, and a habit of modesty about it that has quietly become a reason not to.
Think about this
- What you give that is not money.
- Who you have never said no to.
- What happened after the last time you helped.
- What the giving costs you that you have not counted.
- Whether it would continue if nobody knew.
Take this to Ask Mark
You have done the exercise. Now look again at what it found.
This looks at what you found and helps you understand it. It is not another exercise to repeat.
Take this to Ask Mark →Put this into practice
READ · ESSAY
Famine, Affluence and Morality
Peter Singer
The strongest version of the demanding case. Also the one most people have never actually read.
Read more ↗
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Next tool
What do I owe strangers?
If the question underneath is obligation rather than giving
Further thinking
Spending money on others promotes happiness
Elizabeth Dunn, Lara Aknin and Michael Norton
Give and Take
Adam Grant
The Generative Society
Dan McAdams and Ed de St Aubin
See the thinking ↓
Article
Spending money on others promotes happiness
Elizabeth Dunn, Lara Aknin and Michael Norton
The effect depends far less on the amount than on whether the giving was chosen and whether you can see what it did. That is a useful design constraint. A small, specific, visible commitment does more for the person giving than a larger anonymous one, which is worth knowing before you set up something you will never think about again.
Book
Give and Take
Adam Grant
Grant's finding that givers occupy both the top and the bottom of most performance distributions is the practical heart of this. What separates them is not generosity but whether the giving is bounded. If you have ever concluded that you should do more while quietly running out of road, read this before you add anything.
Book
The Generative Society
Dan McAdams and Ed de St Aubin
McAdams has spent a career on generativity, the concern for establishing and guiding the next generation. His work shows it is not confined to parents and not confined to later life, and that people who have it tend to tell a particular kind of story about themselves. Useful for locating contribution you already make and have never counted.
Article
Moral hypocrisy: appearing moral to oneself without being so
C. Daniel Batson and colleagues
Batson's experiments put people in situations where acting fairly cost them something and nobody would know. Most preferred to appear moral to themselves rather than to be moral, and were remarkably good at not noticing. It is a useful piece of evidence to hold when you are describing the distance between what you say you value and what you did last month.