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The obvious option is rarely the only one. Write the ones you have not said out loud.
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Tool 94 · Develop yourself
Which option have I excluded without ever examining it?
A guided 14 to 20 minutes conversation, here in TAIU. The option you removed before you ever compared it fairly.
Find the sentence, not the topic.
Examining a door is not the same as opening it.
Why was it excluded?
What you'll look at
- 01The sentence
- 02The exclusion
- 03The reason
- 04The verdict
A note from Mark
People rarely decide against something in one clear moment. More often they decide once, early, and everything after that happens inside the decision without it ever being reopened.
I ask for the sentence that starts with 'I can't', about something that isn't physically stopping you. That sentence usually points at the door.
The point isn't to walk through it. Some doors are locked for good reasons and should stay that way.
The point is to know why it's locked, rather than to have forgotten there was ever a door there at all.
What you'll get
This will not sort you into a personality type.It will give you answers about your own life that you can test.
01
The sentence
02
The reason
03
The plain version
04
The verdict
+
Your TAIU handover: a summary of what the conversation found, written so you can take it with you.
See everything included ↓
- 01The sentence
- 02What it actually excludes
- 03When it left the table
- 04Why it was excluded
- 05What the option looks like examined
- 06Whether the exclusion holds
- 07What deserves protecting
- 08Where this goes next
When you finish
Bring it back to your tree.
Your tree is where TAIU keeps a picture of your whole life, in parts like work, money and health.
This session works on the whole of you, not one part of your life. Nothing is scored. At the end, you are asked once which part of your life this touched most. You can answer none.
The conversation writes this summary for you. Keep the sheet, print it or paste it into My Tree. Nothing from the conversation is stored by TAIU.
- Session
- Date
- The part of life this belongs to
- What we found
- The alternative we tested
- What deserves protecting
- What should change, if anything
- Next actions
- What to notice or find out
- What remains unresolved
What now?
01 · Save it
The sentence, named precisely.
02 · Test it
Write the 'I can't' sentence down somewhere you'll see it again.
See more ↓
What I would do
- 01
Write the sentence down exactly as you'd say it.
- 02
Describe the option in practical terms rather than the dramatised version.
- 03
Name the reason it was excluded without dressing it up.
- 04
Ask whether that reason still holds, honestly.
- 05
Decide whether the exclusion stays, and say why.
Test it
- 01
What is the sentence?
- 02
What does it exclude?
- 03
Does the reason still hold?
The alternative
The usual assumption is that finding an excluded option means you're supposed to pursue it. Often the evidence shows the exclusion was correct all along, built on a reason that is still true and the useful outcome is simply knowing why the door is locked rather than forgetting it exists. The reverse happens too. Somebody examines the option and finds the reason it was excluded no longer applies, a fear that was accurate at twenty three and isn't now and the honest reading is that the door was never actually locked, just unvisited.
Think about this
- The sentence that starts with 'I can't' about something that is not physically impossible.
- When that option left the table, as best you can place it.
- What it would actually involve, described plainly.
- Why it was excluded, and whether that reason is still doing real work.
- Whether the exclusion is protecting something, or just old.
Take this to Ask Mark
You have done the exercise. Now look again at what it found.
This looks at what you found and helps you understand it. It is not another exercise to repeat.
Take this to Ask Mark →Want to go further?
Recommended by the TAIU community
What helped you?
If you've read, watched, listened to or tried something that helped you think about this differently, we'd like to hear about it.
We review recommendations before sharing them with the community.
Finished the exercise?
What did this uncover?
Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.
Next tool
What should I actually do?
If the door is worth comparing properly
Further thinking
A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance
Leon Festinger
Thinking, Fast and Slow
Daniel Kahneman
The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life
Erving Goffman
See the thinking ↓
Article
A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance
Leon Festinger
The finding that matters here is not that people feel uncomfortable when belief and behaviour diverge. It is what they do about it. Adjusting the belief is far cheaper than adjusting the conduct, and it happens without anybody noticing. If you have quietly stopped believing something you used to act on, this explains the mechanism.
Book
Thinking, Fast and Slow
Daniel Kahneman
Why confidence and accuracy aren't the same thing.
Book
The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life
Erving Goffman
Goffman watched ordinary social life the way somebody watches a play, and found that all of us run a front stage and a back stage. The front is not a lie. It is the working version of ourselves that a situation requires. Reading him takes most of the moral charge out of the question, and leaves a far better one behind: which of your performances is worth the effort it costs.
Book
Family Therapy in Clinical Practice
Murray Bowen
Bowen's idea of differentiation, staying connected to your family without being governed by it, is the useful frame for most adult family questions.
Book
The Paradox of Choice
Barry Schwartz
Schwartz separates maximisers, who need to be sure they have the best available option, from satisficers, who stop once something is good enough. The uncomfortable finding is that maximisers tend to end up with objectively better outcomes and feel worse about them, because every choice carries the shadow of the one they did not take.