Ask AltoTRY · 12 MIN
Mine / Theirs / Shared / Outside My Control
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Four columns for a situation that has become tangled.
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Tool 82 · Develop yourself
What is this argument actually about, underneath the version we keep having?
A guided 16 to 20 minutes conversation, here in TAIU. The recurring argument is rarely about the stated subject.
What is the same every time?
Some differences are managed, not fixed.
State the request without the history.
What you'll look at
- 01The surface
- 02The pattern
- 03The asks
- 04The split
A note from Mark
Most people don't have lots of arguments. They have one argument wearing different clothes.
The subject changes. The shape doesn't. Same tone, same point where it turns, same ending.
Underneath it there's usually a request that has never been made cleanly, or has been made and never answered.
Some of it is logistics that nobody has bothered to settle. Some of it is a difference you'll be managing for thirty years. Worth knowing which is which.
What you'll get
This will not sort you into a personality type.It will give you answers about your own life that you can test.
01
The pattern
02
The two asks
03
Solvable or difference
04
The next conversation
+
Your TAIU handover: a summary of what the conversation found, written so you can take it with you.
See everything included ↓
- 01What the argument is about on the surface
- 02What it keeps coming back to
- 03What each of you is actually asking for
- 04What is solvable
- 05What is a difference rather than a problem
- 06The rival reading
- 07What deserves protecting
- 08Where this goes next
When you finish
Bring it back to your tree.
Your tree is where TAIU keeps a picture of your whole life, in parts like work, money and health.
At the end, the conversation asks how Love feels for you right now, in your own words. It also asks what, if anything, would feel different. Nothing changes on your tree unless you say it changes.
The conversation writes this summary for you. Keep the sheet, print it or paste it into My Tree. Nothing from the conversation is stored by TAIU.
- Session
- Date
- The part of life this belongs to
- How you described it
- What would feel different
- What we found
- The alternative we tested
- What deserves protecting
- What should change, if anything
- Next actions
- What to notice or find out
- What remains unresolved
What now?
01 · Save it
The surface subject.
02 · Test it
Raise one thing when neither of you is tired.
See more ↓
What I would do
- 01
Write the last three versions down and look for the repeat.
- 02
State your request in one sentence, without history.
- 03
State theirs as fairly as you can.
- 04
Separate what can simply be decided from what has to be managed.
- 05
Raise one thing, at a time when neither of you is tired.
Test it
- 01
What is the same every time?
- 02
What are you actually asking for?
- 03
What would count as settled?
The alternative
The usual reading is that a recurring argument means something is badly wrong. Often it means one practical thing has never been decided, and it resurfaces every few weeks because nobody has settled it. The reverse also happens. The subject looks practical and the repeat is really about respect, and no rota will touch it.
Think about this
- What the last version was about.
- What is the same every time.
- What you are actually asking for.
- What they are actually asking for.
- What would count as settled.
Take this to Ask Mark
You have done the exercise. Now look again at what it found.
This looks at what you found and helps you understand it. It is not another exercise to repeat.
Take this to Ask Mark →Go a little further
Recommended by the TAIU community
What helped you?
If you've read, watched, listened to or tried something that helped you think about this differently, we'd like to hear about it.
We review recommendations before sharing them with the community.
Finished the exercise?
What did this uncover?
Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.
Next tool
Are we asking for different things?
If the two requests are not the same request
Before you start
Reading, if you would rather understand the question first.
Further thinking
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman
Difficult Conversations
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen
The Dance of Anger
Harriet Lerner
See the thinking ↓
Book
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman
Relevant when the exercise identifies a partner relationship as an area you want to work on.
Book
Difficult Conversations
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen
The central idea is that every difficult conversation is three conversations at once: what happened, how everybody feels and what it says about who we are. Most conversations go wrong because people prepare for the first and are ambushed by the third. Reading it before you say anything will change your opening sentence.
Book
The Dance of Anger
Harriet Lerner
Lerner writes about families as systems, where one person steadily doing more quietly arranges for somebody else to do less. It explains the pattern most people notice late: you become competent, then indispensable, then angry with people for depending on you in exactly the way you taught them to.
Article
The Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model
Benjamin Karney and Thomas Bradbury
Karney and Bradbury show that external stress explains a great deal of what couples experience as incompatibility. Worth reading before concluding the relationship is the problem.
Book
Set Boundaries, Find Peace
Nedra Glover Tawwab
Practical thinking for relationships that need clearer limits rather than simply more effort.