Ask AltoTRY · 10 MIN
Before You Have The Conversation
TAIU
One page before a conversation you have postponed.
Try it →
Was this useful?
Back to conversations
Tool 84 · Develop yourself
Can this be repaired, and what would repair actually require?
A guided 16 to 20 minutes conversation, here in TAIU. Repair has conditions. It is worth knowing whether they exist.
What was actually damaged?
Repair is not the same as reconciliation.
Which conditions actually exist?
What you'll look at
- 01The damage
- 02The conditions
- 03The reality
- 04Your part
A note from Mark
Repair, forgiveness and reconciliation get treated as one thing. They aren't.
You can forgive somebody and never see them again. You can share a house with somebody and repair nothing.
Repair has conditions. Somebody has to acknowledge what happened, behaviour has to change, and it takes time.
If the acknowledgement isn't there and isn't coming, the honest answer is no. That's a real answer, and it's usually less painful than another five years of waiting.
What you'll get
This will not sort you into a personality type.It will give you answers about your own life that you can test.
01
The damage
02
The conditions
03
What exists
04
Your part
+
Your TAIU handover: a summary of what the conversation found, written so you can take it with you.
See everything included ↓
- 01What happened
- 02What was actually damaged
- 03What repair would require
- 04Which of those conditions exist
- 05Which do not
- 06What you can do alone
- 07What you cannot
- 08The rival reading
- 09What deserves protecting
- 10Where this goes next
When you finish
Bring it back to your tree.
Your tree is where TAIU keeps a picture of your whole life, in parts like work, money and health.
At the end, the conversation asks how Love feels for you right now, in your own words. It also asks what, if anything, would feel different. Nothing changes on your tree unless you say it changes.
The conversation writes this summary for you. Keep the sheet, print it or paste it into My Tree. Nothing from the conversation is stored by TAIU.
- Session
- Date
- The part of life this belongs to
- How you described it
- What would feel different
- What we found
- The alternative we tested
- What deserves protecting
- What should change, if anything
- Next actions
- What to notice or find out
- What remains unresolved
What now?
01 · Save it
What was damaged.
02 · Test it
Say what was damaged, in one sentence, without listing history.
See more ↓
What I would do
- 01
Name the damage precisely.
- 02
Write what repair would require, from both sides.
- 03
Check which of those conditions are actually present.
- 04
Separate your part from theirs.
- 05
Take one step that does not depend on them.
Test it
- 01
What was actually damaged?
- 02
Which conditions for repair exist?
- 03
What can you do alone?
The alternative
The usual reading is that repair depends on the other person. Some of it always does, and a surprising amount does not. The reverse also happens. Somebody works alone for years on something that required an acknowledgement that was never going to come, and the honest answer would have saved them a decade.
Think about this
- What actually happened.
- What was damaged.
- What repair would require from each of you.
- Which of those conditions exist now.
- What you can do without their participation.
Take this to Ask Mark
You have done the exercise. Now look again at what it found.
This looks at what you found and helps you understand it. It is not another exercise to repeat.
Take this to Ask Mark →Go a little further
Recommended by the TAIU community
What helped you?
If you've read, watched, listened to or tried something that helped you think about this differently, we'd like to hear about it.
We review recommendations before sharing them with the community.
Finished the exercise?
What did this uncover?
Tell us whether it helped and what you discovered. It takes less than a minute.
Next tool
Is there something I need to apologise for?
If part of the damage is yours
Further thinking
On Apology
Aaron Lazare
An exploration of the structure of effective apologies
Roy Lewicki, Beth Polin and Robert Lount
Forgiveness and Health
Loren Toussaint, Everett Worthington and David Williams
See the thinking ↓
Book
On Apology
Aaron Lazare
Lazare, a psychiatrist who studied apology for decades, is precise about what an apology has to contain and about how often it is offered to relieve the person giving it. The distinction between acknowledging the harm and explaining yourself runs through the whole book and it is the distinction most people get wrong.
Article
An exploration of the structure of effective apologies
Roy Lewicki, Beth Polin and Robert Lount
The study tests apology components separately and finds that acknowledgement of responsibility does most of the work, while the expression of regret that people tend to lead with does the least. If you are drafting something difficult, it tells you what to put first.
Book
Forgiveness and Health
Loren Toussaint, Everett Worthington and David Williams
A serious survey of what forgiveness does and does not do, which includes the critique that forgiveness interventions can push people towards premature reconciliation. Worth reading precisely because it refuses to sell the idea. Whether to forgive anybody is your decision and this helps you make it with the evidence in front of you.
Book
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman
Relevant when the exercise identifies a partner relationship as an area you want to work on.
Article
Making Meaning of Family Estrangement
Kristina Scharp
Scharp's work shows estrangement as an ongoing process of distancing rather than a single break, which is why contact can resume without anything being resolved.