Resources
Everything worth your time on the question: What have I done that I have not repaired?
This page is for going further on your own. If you would rather work the question out with somebody asking, that is the conversation.
Is there something I need to apologise for: talk it throughREAD · BOOK
Aaron Lazare
Best for understanding why most apologies fail.
Lazare, a psychiatrist who studied apology for decades, is precise about what an apology has to contain and about how often it is offered to relieve the person giving it. The distinction between acknowledging the harm and explaining yourself runs through the whole book and it is the distinction most people get wrong.
READ · BOOK
John Gottman
Relevant when the exercise identifies a partner relationship as an area you want to work on.
READ · RESEARCH
Roy Lewicki, Beth Polin and Robert Lount
Best for knowing which parts of an apology carry the weight.
The study tests apology components separately and finds that acknowledgement of responsibility does most of the work, while the expression of regret that people tend to lead with does the least. If you are drafting something difficult, it tells you what to put first.
What helped you?
If you've read, watched, listened to or tried something that helped you think about this differently, we'd like to hear about it.
We review recommendations before sharing them with the community.